Metanoia (μετάνοια)
by Cookie-Lollie
Summary: Harry has opened his eyes to the machinations and manipulation of the people around him, having learned that from moment he was born, a man decided he would be the means to an end. And so Harry decides it's high time to rediscover himself and find his calling, regardless of what people say and think they're entitled to. He is his own person, and no one could tell him differently.
1. таска

_Toska (_ таска)

 _A dull ache of the soul, a sick pinning, a spiritual anguish_

Harry really didn't have a plan to follow after he had graduated from Hogwarts as part of the odd crop of eighth years. He received an embellished letter from the Department of Magical Law, inviting him to become an Auror and subtly hinting that due to his major contributions to the Second Blood War, he and anyone who participated in the Battle of Hogwarts would go through a brief training and evaluation period before becoming newly minted junior Aurors. While he did declare in his fifth year that he intended to become an Auror, his heart wasn't so set on it anymore.

The war left its mark on him. He was no longer the naïve boy who was under Dumbledore's thumb, blind to the political machinations of his once mentor's manipulations and the ulterior motives of some of the people around him. Harry loved the Weasleys and Hermione, but the war had opened his eyes to the cold, bitter reality of what was really going on around him.

Ron was a loyal friend, someone who proved himself time and time again. Harry would think back to their first year, when little eleven-year-old Ron sacrificed himself to prevent the Philosopher's Stone from falling into the wrong hands. He would think back to their third year, when Sirius was still just a deranged serial killer who wanted to finish what Voldemort could not and Ron stood on his broken leg and resolutely stated that to kill Harry, Sirius would have to kill him first. Ron was intensely loyal and braver than people would have thought.

Yet, Ron was also desperate to step out from the large shadows his older brothers cast. Bill was a curse-breaker working for Gringrotts, and his name floated among the circles internationally for his skill. Charlie was a dragon keeper in Romania where some of the more temperamental dragons lived, and he was promoted twice within three years. Percy had started from the bottom and had worked his way up until he was the Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic through merit and hard work. Fred and George had immediately outsold three months of sales from Zonko's on the opening day of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, and even with just George manning the shop, business was still booming.

In retrospect, Harry knew that he was woefully ignorant to how Ron and Hermione saw Harry as the Boy-Who-Lived rather than just Harry and thought of how he could help them, partly because he was glad to finally have friends and didn't want to acknowledge the inkling that they were only friends because they wanted something from him. For all that Ron could be boringly average in his marks, he was also only eleven when he beat Professor McGonagall's game of Wizard's Chess. Ron saw Harry as an opportunity to step out from his brother's shadow and eventually receive the recognition he craved as his own individual with his own niche, which was playing as the keeper of the Chudley Cannons. Hermione had immediately dived into learning all that she could when she was dropped into the Wizarding World and was a terrifying force to reckon with. It was foolish to say that she didn't know what her future would bring her as a muggleborn witch, so by befriending Harry, she had the opportunity to utilize his fame, future connections, and political power to claw her way to becoming the head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.

Harry couldn't fault them because he could see where they were coming from. Without him, Ron probably would not have even made it to the try-outs for the Chudley Cannons and Hermione would have only gotten a low administrative position in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. However, that didn't mean that he wasn't bitter over the fact that the two people he once considered his best friends didn't necessarily reciprocate the weight he placed on their friendship.

The realization that Ron and Hermione weren't as invested in their friendship as Harry was didn't come close to the heartbreaking moment when he clued in that Dumbledore was not as great of a man that people believed him to be. With all that Harry knew and people didn't, he felt that Dumbledore was greatly involved in creating two of the greatest Dark Lords in recent history.

Grindlewald was initially spurred into walking down the path into becoming a Dark Lord because Dumbledore had rejected the plan that they had made together during their boyhood years of dominating the collective Wizarding World, and from Grindlewald's perspective, it was the ultimate betrayal from his once lover. Dumbledore had countless opportunities to nip it in the bud before Grindlewald had the chance to cause serious damage, but he was blindsided by his cowardice and fear of what would become of his reputation if certain information was leaked or discovered. For all that Dumbledore still loved Grindlewald, the man refused to finish what he had spurred on and the people around them and beyond had to suffer for it.

Tom—in seeing the parallels between them and the path he could have walked, Harry felt that an odd and bitter connection to his once enemy that, by referring to him as Voldemort, would take from that connection—grew up in an impoverished orphanage during the second World War. The entire orphanage essentially rallied against Tom, who responded to the hostility against him in the same manner. When Dumbledore arrived to introduce Tom to the Wizarding World, he proved that magic was real by setting Tom's wardrobe on fire, which contained everything he owned. In doing so, Dumbledore immediately alienated himself from Tom and without even apologizing for his actions, established himself as another authority-figure who would never take Tom's side when he crudely stated that stealing and bullying was not tolerated in Hogwarts. Tom initially started the Knights of Walpurgis as an organization to prove that magic triumphed over blood through political means. After Dippet had resigned as headmaster, Dumbledore rejected Tom's request to remain at Hogwarts over the summer when he cited the London bombings, which pushed Tom to revamp the Knights of Walpurgis into the Death Eaters. The last straw which pushed Tom over the edge was Dumbledore's denial to even interview Tom for the position as the professor of Defense against Dark Arts.

Dumbledore claimed that he had always suspected that Tom would turn eventually be tempted by the lure of Dark Magic and never come back from that. Instead of accepting Dumbledore's claim at face value, Harry wished he had asked the man why he didn't try to help and guide Tom as he loved to do for the Gryffindors. Dumbledore loved to preach for equality, but he never raised a single finger in defense of a single Slytherin. Whenever Harry vented his frustrations to the Sorting Hat, who he soon learned as named Alistair by Rowena Ravenclaw, Alistair stated that Dumbledore liked to collect people and discard anyone who were of no use for him.

Alistair was right in that like Slughorn, Dumbledore liked to collect people. While Slughorn kept an eye on those with influence or had a promising future, Dumbledore liked to pick up abandoned strays.

The expelled half-giant barely above a Squib.

The unfortunate werewolf turned by Fenrir Greyback as a child.

The heartbroken and remorseful former Death Eater.

Dumbledore offered them his protection and gave them second chances. Hagrid was fortunate enough to stay at Hogwarts as the new groundskeeper. Remus was fortunate enough to receive the "premier" Hogwarts education and was even given a rundown shack beneath the newly planted Whomping Willow to ward off curious students. Snape was fortunate enough to receive a plea deal of sorts with Dumbledore as a double-spy and only had to swear a vow to protect the son of the man he hated most. Dumbledore didn't ask for much in return, merely their loyalty. And if he had an occasional request for them to take, subtly mentioning all that he had done for them at the risk of his own person and reputation, then it was no more than what Dumbledore was owed.

Harry chillingly realized that Sirius could have been one of the strays that Dumbledore collected. Sirius, however, was a rebel who knowingly chose his path without regrets. He chose what price he was willing to pay for his actions and refused to be used, as he proved when he completely cut his ties with the Black Family. Sirius had merit as the once Black heir, but in knowing that Sirius was not the type which Dumbledore collected, Sirius was instead abandoned.

Dumbledore could have gotten Sirius out from Azkaban at any time. As the witness to the naming of the Secret Keeper for the Fidelis Charm, Dumbledore knew that Peter was the real Secret Keeper while Sirius was the decoy as the seemingly obvious choice. Yet, Dumbledore had the prophecy to think about and from his own interpretation of the prophecy, had realized that Voldemort had unintentionally turned Harry into one of his Horcruxes and concluded that Harry would need to die in order to vanquish Voldemort. The easiest way would be to raise Harry up as a lamb to slaughter, which meant as Harry's godfather, Sirius would have to go. As the executer of the Potter will, Dumbledore had the right to seal their will and no one would question the great Albus Dumbledore, which meant Dumbledore was now Harry's Magical Guardian and promptly dropped him at the Dursley's doorstep.

Every year, there were trials that Harry had to overcome, but each year, he managed and came out from it stronger and learned from his experiences. Dumbledore devised a plan and followed it to perfection. Harry was trained without even realizing it. Only, Dumbledore trained for Harry to die without hesitation. By pitting Harry in situation where only he was in a position to do anything, Dumbledore had encouraged the mentality that Harry had to save everyone or die trying. Even his very personality was warped to Dumbledore's satisfaction.

Harry was only eighteen and he was now met by the realization that his entire life was dictated by a man who had no right to decide that he would have to die for the greater good before he even knew why.

* * *

 **Metanoia: the journey of changing one's mind, heart, self, or way of life.**

 **This is partly a drabble series and partly an actual story. Any drabbles I make will be open for adoption as long as you PM me the link to your story so I can add it here.**


	2. Resfeber

_Resfeber_

 _The restless race of the traveler's heart before the journey begins, when anxiety and anticipation are tangled together_

It was strangely cathartic for Harry to realize that the friendship between Ron and Hermione was not as mutual as he initially believed. While Ron and Hermione would always be fond of him as they had grown to be from spending eight years in close quarters and constant touch, he had loathed to admit how stifled he had felt in their company since his fifth year.

Since Sirius's death, Harry had relapsed into depression and returning to the Dursley's over the summer once more didn't exactly help him deal with his grief. He hadn't gotten to know his parents properly, so the most he had ever felt was the occasional yearning. Despite what anyone still said, Cedric's death mainly fell unto Harry's shoulders as it was his suggestion that they both reach for the Cup, but the grief he had felt was mainly survivor's guilt and the carefully fostered hero complex which Dumbledore encouraged rearing its ugly head. Sirius was different though—he was family and the one escape from the heavy expectations that people burdened him with and from the Dursley's. Sirius's death had affected Harry the most, and so Harry grieved with a heart of shattered glass.

When he had been tossed back to the Dursley's, his only consolation was that he could at least look forward to the letters that Ron and Hermione would definitely send him. They were his closest friends, one of the few who knew of Sirius's innocence, and would understand how utterly broken Harry had felt.

Yet, not a single letter had come. When Harry had been picked up by Moody and Tonks to be escorted to Grimmauld Place, his confrontation with Ron and Hermione had been responded by a curt excuse. Hermione had always placed authority figures on too high of a pedestal and obviously hadn't learned her lesson with Lockhart or Barty Jr., but it still stung when she reasoned that Dumbledore had ordered the two to not send him any letters. At the very least, Harry expected Ron, who was more daring than Hermione and had his moments of surprising insight, to have disregarded Dumbledore.

Dumbledore was merely their headmaster. The only reason Ron and Hermione were also taken to Grimmauld Place was because most of the Weasley family were part of the Order of the Phoenix, and Molly would never allow Ron on his own, while Hermione had claimed that it was for her own protection as one of Harry's closest known friends. At the time, he had accepted their reasonings at face value because at the end of the day, they were still his best friends and would have no reason to lie to his face over why they were staying at Grimmauld Place.

However, when Harry had looked at it from another angle, Molly had constantly claimed that children had no place in the Order of the Phoenix and that the war would not be fought by students. Her viewpoint on that was alarmingly ignorant given that she knew better than others that Voldemort would never leave Hogwarts alone, and as a result, all the students were at risk each year. By even blocking the twins from joining in on the meetings despite already being of age, Molly believed that she was acting for their welfare, yet Fred and George would join the war efforts regardless and were at a greater risk because they were barred from joining the meetings.

Hermione had said that she was at Grimmauld Place for her protection as it was more than likely that she would be targeted for her blood status and for being known as one of Harry's best friends. However, she had said nothing of her parent's safety, whether they were relocated to a safe house or if their home had been warded against any intruders.

The only reason that Harry could reach that made sense was that Ron and Hermione had been permitted to stay at Grimmauld Place at Dumbledore's say to plant a sense of urgency within him. Being able to easily listen in on their meetings concerning the war was bait that Harry immediately took so that he would feel that it was his responsibility. Dumbledore, or any one of the adults in the meetings could have warded the meeting room so that eavesdroppers couldn't listen in, but not a single person had done so.

In a sense, Ron and Hermione might have been friends that Dumbledore had picked for him. Ron was a Weasley, one of the main members of the Order of the Phoenix and under Molly's iron rule, they were considered devout followers of Dumbledore, who were part of the sheep who believed that Dumbledore was goodness incarnate. Hermione was a promising and bright muggleborn witch. Having Ron and Hermione as friends would make him acutely aware of the nasty side of other Purebloods, as Ron was a blood traitor and Hermione was a mudblood.

Harry wanted to laugh at the mess that was his life. Truly, not a single decision he had made was of his own. Every single part of his life was carefully cultivated by Dumbledore all so that he would willingly walk straight to his death to save the lives of mindless sheep who left all the fighting to school children who never should have seen the ugliness that was war up close and in their faces.

Knowing that Ron and Hermione could no longer be considered his best friends after his eye-opening realization to the lie which made up his entire life, he felt _free_. Even Ron and Hermione were no different from the mindless sheep that made up the British Wizarding World. Ron had constantly pestered Harry over when he would join the Aurors ever since they had graduated. Hermione had constantly pestered Harry on where to apply the political power he possessed from his inheritance, nudging him towards various bills and acts she wanted him to vote for without even asking for his input or opinion on any of them.

Following graduation, Harry had briefly considered traveling around the world after being confined his entire life. He had quickly rejected the appealing idea as he felt that he was still needed in England. However, Ron and Hermione were what had mainly tied him down to the British Wizarding World, and he no longer considered them his best friends—close acquaintances, he decided.

Harry was free to do whatever he wanted with his life, and no one could or would tell him otherwise. He didn't want to join the Aurors after fighting for his life countless times. He didn't want people, least of all Hermione, pushing for him to vote for different bills or acts or laws other than the ones that he wanted to vote.

It was a gradual process of breaking his ties with Ron and Hermione, and in doing so, he slowly distanced himself from all the people he believed had a toxic effect on himself and his life. Molly was an obvious person that he didn't want charging into his life and dictating every little thing as though it was her god-given right. Ginny eventually joined the list after he realized that what he felt for her was not love but rather a short-lived affection that Dumbledore had also encouraged so that Harry would ultimately die; that he recognized the hero-worship that had yet to die in her was also the deciding factor.

Harry felt it was high time to reconnect with Neville and Luna, who had always spent him monthly letters reminding him that they were always there for him. He was never as close to the twins as he would've liked, but it was better late than never to become a better friend for George. Pursing a friendship with Draco—it was weird to call him that after years of referring to his once rival by his surname—and Blaise Sabine was also something he felt that he should do.

There were so many missed opportunities in his life that he was loathe to let slip by him again.


End file.
